Last night and the previous five were being a nightmare. I was having the worst time trying to get to sleep. I was wheezing, and it compressed my chest. The feeling of heaviness was lying on top of me.
If I was to speak out on it, people would assume I was sick from Covid, but in actuality, I know my body.
I have a heart issue since I was a baby, and I have been smoking a lot more lately since the quarantine. My heart was failing me. Can I overcome it? I can. It’s called quitting.
Weird to say that I woke up this morning, and I told my husband I am not smoking anymore. I love my life too much and what happened to me last night was a nightmare. It scared me awake. Quitting will only work if you want to do it and there will be a reason when that moment comes. I am looking into the near future and I can tell you it is worth living for.
We will go on a journey of no tobacco and how I am taking it.
To be honest, I am not even scared. I am excited. With my writing and many other projects that I have going on, smoking will dampen my moment and in that fifteen minutes of puffing a cigarette, I can use it for something else.
I may be a little moody the first few days, but I already warned my husband to keep a respectful distance and don’t take it personal. I am giving up something that I have been doing since I was twelve. It was a security blanket to keep my mood in check.
What I Realized
I haven’t lit up a cigarette since 10 PM last night. It is going on a little over twelve hours. I have done it before, but today, I realize why I was smoking. It made me happy. No, I am not talking about the satisfactory ‘happiness’. I realize that people are annoying, obnoxious, and smoking made me blind to that.
I couldn’t tell you how annoyed I was when my husband asks me if I saw something he misplaced and became angry when I didn’t know where HE placed it at.
How the hell am I supposed to know?
I ended up helping him back on track it while he sat down angrily, hoping his anger would make it reappear. That’s a typical move of his and the old me would have lit up a cigarette and his tantrum would have been a distant memory.
Not today, Satan. I found it and told him to shove it.
He ignored that as just one of the many mood swings that will come from quitting cigarettes cold turkey. Good for him!
I will have to learn to treat my day as normally as I can and keep the peace when people become interruptive, annoying, and obnoxious. Maybe I’ll take up working out again, anger management, or even a new hobby. Maybe I’ll just learn to meditate again and breathe in some positive thoughts.
Who knows? Maybe just writing will be the best way to handle this matter. This is not stressing me out. I am happy to oblige with these newfound rules and if someone dies in the process, they should understand that it’s not me, it’s them HA!
Enough rant for the day. I will check in again tomorrow!